The Starfish Story

Image by Pedro Lastra (Unsplash)

The sun had just appeared above the horizon minutes ago. A young man emerged from his bungalow and began walking along the beach just above the water.

After traveling some distance, he noticed an old man far off in the distance ahead of him. He was standing along the water’s edge and occasionally he would stoop to the sand then appear to throw something into the water. He did this odd action dozens of times before the young man finally reached a place where he could actually understand what was happening.

The old man, bent and grizzly, was stooping to reach the starfish strewn along the sand where the tide had deposited them the night before. As the young man watched him perform this act over and over again, he realized there were hundreds - maybe thousands - of starfish along this stretch of beach. The young man also noticed that the sun had risen high enough that the air temperature was climbing rapidly. Soon it would be too hot for the starfish to survive on the hot sands.

The old man continued his never-ending task tossing starfish back into the ocean one at a time when the younger man broke the sound of the crashing waves by asking several questions without giving the older gentleman time to reply.

“What are you doing? Why are you throwing the starfish back into the water? There must be a thousand starfish along the beach! An old man like you, all by himself, cannot possibly clear the shoreline of all these starfish. How can it possibly matter?

The old man paused for a moment, but only a moment, and looking down at the starfish in his hand replied,

“It matters to this one, it matters to this one.”

This original story by Loren Eiseley.

Starting the New Year Off Right on January 1

A day of letting go, reaffirming, envisioning the future, planning for joy!

This time of year, there always seems to be a plethora of newscasts, magazine articles, blog posts, insta-videos about the virtues and necessity of reorganizing your life as we reach the new year. And here’s another one!

Yes, today I’m writing about letting go of 2024 and jumping headlong into 2025. The focus is about identifying things you do that disturb relationships and get in the way of you getting what you want out of life. Then working on new habits that will help you create the life you want. So how do we do that, exactly?

Unsplash photo by Sincerely Media

First Things First

As Stephen Covey said, first things first. So start with your current condition -

• what parts of your life are working for you

• what goals were reached

• what goals are now obsolete

Now begin to envision next year. It’s important that you don’t filter. The purpose of the vision is not to filter by what you think you can actually achieve but what you’d like your life to look like.

List Next Year’s Personal Goals

Career, relationship, educational, whatever - list them all as the come to you. To qualify, we’re talking big picture here. Not having spaghetti for dinner on Thursday kind of goal. Focus on grand goals right now like moving to Montana, completing the nursing degree, buying a new car kind of goals. You can also make a list of long-term goals (meaning over a year for expected result). It’s a good idea to look far down the road. My caution is to monitor your stress at this point.

A list of 50 big life goals to achieve over the next 10 years would cause me a good deal of stress - something I prefer to avoid at all costs. Some of those long-term goals might be better put on the bucket list which is sort of the back-burner goal list. Those goals can move to the priority list as your life evolves or your burning desire intensifies.

Focusing on the next year goals, once you are happy with the list you can start prioritizing. [Special Note: if you are a visual person, a treasure map using photos of your goals might work well for you; or try writing the goals on a small white-board or big piece of paper. Either of these methods can activate neuropathways and so is more productive than using the computer for this exercise.]

Prioritize and Set Intention

Going over your list for next year (you can do long-term and bucket list later), make sure each goal is achievable, inspirational and measurable.

For example, go to the dentist for cleaning and exam is a necessity and worthwhile task but it is also a to-do kind of thing and not a goal that inspires.

You can put be a ballerina on your list every year but in reality if you haven’t been preparing since childhood, it’s not likely achievable. It could be achievable theoretically but are you really up for the physical demands of such a goal. Just closely examine motives for these “astronaut” kind of goals.

BUT how about shifting the ballerina goal to attend an adult jazz dance class or learn line-dancing or something similar? Now it’s something that nearly anyone could attain.

Unsplash photo by Ardian Lumi

This process helps you set your intention. You’ve chosen your goals because of the vision you hold of your ideal life. You’ve gone over the list and given it a reality check - achievable, inspirational and measurable. You’ve set your intention - yes, this is something I want to attain!

Countdown to achievement

Now it’s time to document your plan to reach the goals - one at a time or overlapping depending upon what goals you’ve chosen and the limitations that may be involved (money, time, physical abilities, etc.)

Break goals down into monthly steps and weekly or daily steps again depending upon the specific goal. What has to happen when and in what order to move you closer to success. Is it a gradual, daily process like losing weight or training for a marathon? Then daily steps need to be designed and planned for and celebrated when achieved. Maybe it’s a little more random like saving money to buy a house. So possibly the first goal is the extra part-time job and the steps are the wages you are able to save as a result depending upon how many hours you can work.

All along the way, monitor you progress so you can adjust the steps (or even sometimes the goal) as you move through the year.

Falling behind? Ask yourself why you might not have wanted that goal. Your answer is likely “of course I wanted the goal. I wrote it down!” But your results say it was either unrealistic or you lost your intention. This is not to beat yourself up. “I’m such a failure! I’ll never get that new car.” The purpose of the re-examining your commitment is to see what corrections have to be made. Maybe you decided to finish your degree not for you but because your mother always set that expectation. “I was so hoping that ONE of my children would graduate college.”

That’s not your goal but hers. Be truthful with yourself. Is it something you really want? If so, adjust your plan, re-commit and go for it. However if it was something you chose to appease your mother, maybe you need to let it go.

Summing Up

Setting goals is a very human thing to do. We wouldn’t take a vacation without some kind of plan where we might go and what to pack, right? Why would we live a life of 80 years without some idea of where we’d like to live it and what it might look like?

Don’t trip through your life, step boldly and with purpose!

HAPPY NEW YEAR! MAke IT BE YOUR BEST YEAR YET!

Something Becomes More Important

OR your argument is not about what you think it’s about

Couple in crisis

Have you ever been involved in a minor disagreement with a significant other (or friend or co-worker) and had the minor altercation suddenly explode into a major argument?!

You can feel yourself getting defensive, “oh Yeah? Well you…” and the other participant starts aggressively accusing you of all kinds of things - real and imagined. WTH happened? Why did the argument get so out of control?!

Bigger than Life

We’ve all been there. A simple disagreement suddenly takes on a life of its own. Ever wonder what’s going on? In these situations, Something Becomes More Important (SBMI) than the disagreement or even the relationship involved.

Somewhere in the middle of the disagreement, you time-warp back to last week or a year ago or maybe your childhood when you experienced a different, traumatic event and you were bullied, defeated, humiliated, abused, or hurt. The current disagreement may feel the same to you - small, defeated, like a loser so you ramp up the argument, the noise, the emotion in order to secure a “win”. Your ego wants to WIN this one so you don’t feel small and stupid like you use to when your big brother would pick on you (or the kid down the street or your dad, etc.)

No one likes to feel defeated or humiliated so it’s a natural reaction to want to win an argument and getting “bigger than life” is sometimes the tactic we use. Arguments can spark a disagreement about specifics but we sometimes take that on as meaning something about us personally -

• I’m less than

• I’m stupid

• I can’t defend myself

• I’m a loser

“Winning” the Argument

Defensiveness is an automatic by-product and solving the conflict becomes less important than preserving the image of the ego itself.

When “winning the argument” becomes the focus, the relationship is further damaged and the original disagreement remains unresolved.

Changing the Outcome

So what do we do? To change the outcome, we have to check our egos at the door and remain focused enough to notice when the discussion begins spiraling into an argument.

Let’s set the scene -

The husband arrived at home and has started the kids on homework. The wife arrives soon after.

W:”What’s for dinner?”

H:”Whadayamean?! I thought you would bring dinner home!”

W:”Why would you think that?! You said you’d cook!”

H:”I had a horrible day, missed a deadline and you expect me to get the kids AND COOK!” [Notice the bad day inserts itself into this unconnected argument]

W:”We talked about this at breakfast, you never listen to me! I just don’t feel important to you and you NEVER keep your promises!!” [The wife has now started bringing up transgressions from the distant past instead focusing on the moment]

Does this scenario feel familiar? Notice how quickly solving the dinner dilemma escalated into hurt feelings and past disloyalty.

“What if they gave a war and nobody came?”

This famous quote by Carl Sandburg (I believe) is the key to solving the disagreement. De-escalate and refocus every time you feel the disagreement get out of control - no matter who started the spiraling or “who’s right”. When the energy starts to turn negative and get out of hand - stop, pause and disconnect from the negativity. Say something to acknowledge the situation, “Wow this discussion has a lot more energy than I anticipated. I’d like to stop for 30 seconds and collect my thoughts. Is that ok with you?” Then take a deep breath, calm yourself and begin the discussion in a normal, neutral tone working toward a solution.

Make sure you are speaking in “I” phrases when you ask for a break. “You are out of control man! There’s no talking to you when you’re like this!” are not helpful phrases for this situation. Would you be willing to de-escalate if someone said to you, “You’re acting crazy! Let me know when you’ve calmed down!” Probably not, so make sure your request to lower the temp of the discussion doesn’t include an accusation.

Sometimes there’s too much heat

I’ve had people ask me on occasion how to react if the other refuses to take a pause or consider any other outcome besides “winning” the argument. This can be very frustrating. My advice is to set your boundary and maintain your goal. “Look I’m not interested in fighting with you. My goal is to find a new way to look at this problem and create a solution we can both agree to keep. I’ll be available after lunch if you’d like to find a new solution,” and walk away. Reach out later to say “Can we discuss the issue now? I’ve thought of a couple possible fixes but I look forward to hearing your input and ideas.”

If that kind of interaction doesn’t work, consider getting co-workers involved for a group think or consider a counselor/coach to help both partners in the love relationship learn new habits for conflict resolution. Your safety is a priority so do what is necessary to protect yourself at that moment. It is imperative to remove yourself from a dangerous situation so you can consider your options going forward. Get safe, get help and re-strategize your life.

Our married couple creates a new SBMI of finding a solution

So back to our married couple’s dinner dilemma. Solve the immediate problem first.

H:”Hey we have frozen pizzas. Let’s toss one in for the kids.”

W:”Great! And I’ll toss a salad.”

Ok. Immediate needs handled. But the problem still lingers.

W:”I’m sorry you had such a lousy day. Missing deadlines suck. And I’m sorry the discussion before turned into a shouting match. Sometimes I just don’t feel on an equal footing with you when we argue - I wonder if that comes from being the littlest in my family? How can we solve the dinner problem going forward?”

H:”What if we hang a calendar with dinners assigned and who’s in charge of cooking? Would you be ok with taking Tuesdays since I usually work later those days?”

W:”That should work. We could spend 15 minutes or so planning the week and creating the shopping list. Can we take turns buying the groceries?”

H:”You know, I plan every second of my day at work on my phone. Why hasn’t it occurred to me to plan the rest of my day - who picks up the kids, who makes dinner, and so on? We each might get a day off once in a while!”

W:”Wow that would be fun - I could plan a girl’s dinner in the city once a month and you could schedule a poker night! And we could plan date nights. It’s been forever since we’ve had an evening together.”

Not only has the negative, over the top energy dissipated but they’ve managed to solve several problems at the same time and accomplished the most important goal in any loving relationship - closeness.

Problem solved

That’s quite a difference! The SBMI is feeding the family, resolving the problem and maintaining the relationship. Working it out and feeling good about it was much more important than if anybody “won”.

And they managed to focus on the problem, find a suitable solution, have a positive impact on their children (who no longer need to hear them argue) as well as their own relationship and even extend that positive solution to their circle of friends by providing new social interactions.

I also realize that this sounds so easy - and it is - but breaking the old habits and not getting engaged in the first place is harder to achieve.

My husband, Skip, and I have taught and coached people to build stronger, more loving relationships for decades and we love it. I will confess that, once in a while, we will still get plugged into an argument and it will escalate quickly into shouting and accusations. Then one of us smiles and we stop to laugh and share a kiss or two then start the discussion all over again this time focused on the solution we want to achieve.

It sure is better than the alternative.

If we can be of help in finding the root problem of your relationship issues and developing new methods to interact, just let us know. We’ll happily schedule an appointment for you or for both of you.

The 10 Keys to Creating a Loving Relationship

The 10 keys?

Meeting “the One”

OK. So you’ve met “the One.” The chemistry is right. The first conversation - heartfelt and a little flirty - has gone ok. Work history and income potential are satisfactory. In short, the first hurdle has been successfully negotiated. But now what?!

Road to Romance

As the relationship progresses with this new significant other (SO), bumps and potholes in the road to romance are bound to appear. On the surface, this may not be a big deal. People are unique and will absolutely handle confrontation, disagreements and everything else in different ways - some more successfully than others.

There are many elements that come into play while we are working out how to be close, resolve conflict, be honest, stay committed, and all the rest. Among those “things” are the cultural norms we see through today’s connected mediums, the relationship models we observe in our families and friends, as well as the decisions we make about who we are as an individual and our place in the world.

“There are many elements that come into play while we are working out how to be close...”

We bring all this data to the relationship and it spills out when we hit a bump in our romantic relationship.

Our Perception of Relationship

By examining our individual perceptions of relationship (again perceptions formed as a result of observation and personal decisions), we can decide if these perceptions are useful to us now and even “unlearn” the ones that keep us from closeness and love. Whether we witnessed an abusive marriage between our parents, a divorce, a strong relationship or years of “my prince will come” fairy tales, are perceptions are formed.

The Foundation

The foundational ten key building blocks are the same for any relationship regardless of its current condition or its history. Whether a brand new relationship or one decades old, similar elements apply in any strong, loving, successful relationship:

• love

• commitment

• honesty

• being seen

• empathetic listening

• mutual respect

• common goals/interests

• intimacy

• conflict resolution

• communication

Each of these characteristics are important and each member of the relationship should have an understanding of its meaning as it pertains to their relationship. In other words, “what does commitment mean to us - individually and as a couple?” Don’t assume that it means the same to your SO as it means to you.

"A client once told us, “we broke up. I had no idea she wasn’t as committed as I was.”

“I’m sorry this is so painful for you,” Skip offered, “had you discussed commitment? Did you understand her expectations?”

“No. I thought they were like mine.”

“So when the pain has passed and you’ve healed, what will you do differently in your next relationship?”

“Oh, I don’t want to be in another relationship!”

“Why not, you’ve just learned a valuable tool to create a stronger one!”

It did take some time but he tried again and enjoyed his next relationship.

Learning New Communication Tools

We aren’t born knowing how to successfully navigate relationships. It’s like riding a bike. You jump on the bike, you ride. You fall off and get hurt. You get back on the bike and learn to slow down, be more careful, stay out of traffic and away from hills - or you don’t and repeat the unfortunate incident. Our experience of life will change as long as we learn from our failures and APPLY the new tools/awareness to new similar situations.

Awareness is the Key

These new tools can be just a little tricky. They often go against the ways we are used to interacting in a relationship so the tools can feel awkward at first. It’s only because we can spend a lifetime learning mistaken beliefs and unproductive behaviors that keep us stuck in an unwanted relationship cycle.

“A client once told us, ‘I keep dating the same guy over and over.’”

A client once came to us, “I keep dating the same guy over and over.” I couldn’t hide my grin as I glanced toward Skip. “Oh, he looks different each time and has a different name but deep down they are the same guy.”

But after some examination of her life decisions and some new communication tools, she is more at choice about how her relationships progress and who she chooses to date.

Gaining new Understanding and Skill

When we gain new understanding and learn new skills in these 10 key relationship areas, it can bring new life to a relationship that is not currently meeting your needs or help in your search for a new love.

We will examine each key area in detail in future posts. We invite you to signup for our updates and we will notify you when each new blog is published.

LISTENING - one of the 10 keys of a strong, loving relationship

COMMON INTERESTS - one of the 10 keys to a strong, loving relationship

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