Getting Past the Past

Our lives are an endless series of events - life lessons - that are experiences we file away and from which we hopefully learn. We tend to repeat the steps of those events because it is familiar to us (whether it was a good or bad experience). We make crucial decisions as a result of these events and how we handle the experience. Decisions about who we are and what we expect from the world around us.

Experiences make up our Life’s Knowledge

Some of our events are positive and we experience love, support, success, closeness. These positive events (which is a totally subjective analysis by each of us as we experience the event) are important for making us feel safe and capable. When these events happen early in life (up to say 5 or 6 years old) they usually involve our family members so they also help us form our vision of our primary relationships - first with parents and siblings and later with our love relationships and friendships.

We have other experiences that most would label negative. These incidents can run the gamut from mistakes, accidents, hurt, and loss to abuse and trauma. When these kind of experiences occur, we tend to remember the pain (keeping the wound open) or try to avoid the feelings by blocking the experience from our consciousness. Either way, we ultimately turn over much of the control of our life to experiences we won’t allow to heal or try to avoid.

The Path to Wholeness

The path to wholeness then becomes not to ignore the past but to incorporate those lessons learned into our present.

Our world understanding is different as adults than when we were kindergarteners. Our skills and abilities are much more advanced than when we were toddlers. The outcome of challenging situations can be different too.

Early Recollections

Skip and I used to facilitate 3-day intensive personal growth weekends. We illustrated the negative side of an early childhood experience above with this simplified idea.

A child is going along through his life and something happens. He hits a brick wall. He experiences a negative event, has a uncomfortable response and makes a decision about the incident - “it’s hurts too much” or “I’m bad” or maybe “I can’t handle it” and probably “I don’t want to feel this ever again!” He has decided he can’t get past the brick wall.

Now the little boy has grown up and something else happens. He runs into another wall that feels like the brick wall when he was young. He remains stuck in the idea that it hurts too much and he can’t handle it. He’s not in the present moment enough to realize he has new skills and abilities so he can simply step over the brick wall.

As a child, we can run into painful situations. We have limited abilities to have those negative events. But we often fail to notice how capable we are as adults. We have additional tools:

• our learning from the past

• our physical strength

• our words

• our cunning

• our ability to heal

All these skills can help us handle life’s worse and heal.

Dealing with Severe Trauma

Let’s be clear. I am NOT saying that we should soldier through every challenging situation. Nor am I saying we should remain unaffected by life’s worse. Indeed there are experiences that become survival events either for our bodies or our soul (or both). If you have experienced an extreme event, chronic abuse or sexual assault, for example, you may need help unwinding that experience and I encourage you to seek a counselor to help you work through this trauma. All trauma victims deserve a voice, deserve to take their power back, and deserve to heal. Call us, call a help line, call someone - take back your power!

All of us have had experiences and made decisions about ourselves and about our world. These decisions will form our beliefs and expectations about how our world is likely to be. And unfortunately they also an internal list of “things we can’t handle or should avoid at all costs”. Sort of the world’s worst “to-don’t list”.

We help clients move through these obstacles every day. We have a wonderful process that helps people unpack this original experience and deal with it in a new way. And to take back your power so you can create more joy in your life!

Are you ready for more joy in your life?

The 10 Keys to Creating a Loving Relationship

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The 10 keys?

Meeting “the One”

OK. So you’ve met “the One.” The chemistry is right. The first conversation - heartfelt and a little flirty - has gone ok. Work history and income potential are satisfactory. In short, the first hurdle has been successfully negotiated. But now what?!

Road to Romance

As the relationship progresses with this new significant other (SO), bumps and potholes in the road to romance are bound to appear. On the surface, this may not be a big deal. People are unique and will absolutely handle confrontation, disagreements and everything else in different ways - some more successfully than others.

There are many elements that come into play while we are working out how to be close, resolve conflict, be honest, stay committed, and all the rest. Among those “things” are the cultural norms we see through today’s connected mediums, the relationship models we observe in our families and friends, as well as the decisions we make about who we are as an individual and our place in the world.

“There are many elements that come into play while we are working out how to be close...”

We bring all this data to the relationship and it spills out when we hit a bump in our romantic relationship.

Our Perception of Relationship

By examining our individual perceptions of relationship (again perceptions formed as a result of observation and personal decisions), we can decide if these perceptions are useful to us now and even “unlearn” the ones that keep us from closeness and love. Whether we witnessed an abusive marriage between our parents, a divorce, a strong relationship or years of “my prince will come” fairy tales, are perceptions are formed.

The Foundation

The foundational ten key building blocks are the same for any relationship regardless of its current condition or its history. Whether a brand new relationship or one decades old, similar elements apply in any strong, loving, successful relationship:

• love

• commitment

• honesty

• being seen

• empathetic listening

• mutual respect

• common goals/interests

• intimacy

• conflict resolution

• communication

Each of these characteristics are important and each member of the relationship should have an understanding of its meaning as it pertains to their relationship. In other words, “what does commitment mean to us - individually and as a couple?” Don’t assume that it means the same to your SO as it means to you.

"A client once told us, “we broke up. I had no idea she wasn’t as committed as I was.”

“I’m sorry this is so painful for you,” Skip offered, “had you discussed commitment? Did you understand her expectations?”

“No. I thought they were like mine.”

“So when the pain has passed and you’ve healed, what will you do differently in your next relationship?”

“Oh, I don’t want to be in another relationship!”

“Why not, you’ve just learned a valuable tool to create a stronger one!”

It did take some time but he tried again and enjoyed his next relationship.

Learning New Communication Tools

We aren’t born knowing how to successfully navigate relationships. It’s like riding a bike. You jump on the bike, you ride. You fall off and get hurt. You get back on the bike and learn to slow down, be more careful, stay out of traffic and away from hills - or you don’t and repeat the unfortunate incident. Our experience of life will change as long as we learn from our failures and APPLY the new tools/awareness to new similar situations.

Awareness is the Key

These new tools can be just a little tricky. They often go against the ways we are used to interacting in a relationship so the tools can feel awkward at first. It’s only because we can spend a lifetime learning mistaken beliefs and unproductive behaviors that keep us stuck in an unwanted relationship cycle.

“A client once told us, ‘I keep dating the same guy over and over.’”

A client once came to us, “I keep dating the same guy over and over.” I couldn’t hide my grin as I glanced toward Skip. “Oh, he looks different each time and has a different name but deep down they are the same guy.”

But after some examination of her life decisions and some new communication tools, she is more at choice about how her relationships progress and who she chooses to date.

Gaining new Understanding and Skill

When we gain new understanding and learn new skills in these 10 key relationship areas, it can bring new life to a relationship that is not currently meeting your needs or help in your search for a new love.

We will examine each key area in detail in future posts. We invite you to signup for our updates and we will notify you when each new blog is published.

LISTENING - one of the 10 keys of a strong, loving relationship

COMMON INTERESTS - one of the 10 keys to a strong, loving relationship

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The Life Cycle of Decisions

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A Lifetime of Decisions

Our existence consists of a lifetime of decisions - big ones, unimportant ones, monumental ones, good, erroneous, whatever. They effect our concept of self, our vision of relationship, our definition of man and woman, our thinking about our ability to achieve, find success, experience love and be happy.

But have you ever considered that decisions have a life of their own?

Here’s how that might look —

The EXPERIENCE

Little Tommy wakes up on his birthday, runs into the living room where he finds a new bike with a big red bow - his first two-wheeler! He takes the bike out on the driveway, jumps on, races down the driveway and promptly wipes out as he tries to negotiate his first right turn. As he sits on the curb with scrapes and bruises from his fall, what might he have decided?

Image by Pixabay165106

Our early decisions effect our concept of self and our vision of relationship.

The DECISION

What if he decided “Why do I even try? I’m just no good at anything?! Time goes on, he heals and has the occasion to try something else new - roller skates! How do you think his experience might go? Will he be confident, willing to jump into a new activity or might he hesitate and assume he will fail? As his life continues he will face other similar experiences and over time so these decisions may repeat over and over again to become part of his belief system about who he is and what life is about. “I can’t handle new life experiences.”

(Illustration designed by Skip Swies and Allyn Nay for Global Relationship Centers in 1993)

The BELIEF

Here’s how it looks. You have an experience and make a decision about who you are and your relationship in the world. You continue to experience life and if you have similar experiences, you actually look for proof for those earlier decisions. That proof will form the basis of a belief about your very being to the point that you expect the negative outcome to happen anytime you experience something similar. Your unconscious will begin to arrange your circumstances to fit your belief system.

The EXPECTATION

Ever felt like you were dating the same guy over and over again? Maybe you think others in your company are always getting promoted over you. If you grew up in a family of violence and chaos, it would make sense that your vision of what family should be might be negative and something you unconsciously resist.

So are we doomed - each of us fated to follow a particular destiny because of our early decisions that become unproductive beliefs? The answer is - not unless we want it to!

It's not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters.

-Epictetus

CHANGING THE CYCLE

There are beliefs that serve us. That one we learn young about not getting too close to fire is a good one. But how about Tommy and his belief is not capable when facing new tasks/experiences? His lack of confidence and his likely hesitation may even sabotage his efforts. He may, unfortunately and unconsciously, go through life avoiding new tasks and experiences that could bring him great joy and success because he assumes he will fail before he even tries.

Now we all know failure and disappointment are part of life but so are happiness and success. In “The Dance," Garth Brooks reminds us “I could have missed the pain but I’d have had to miss the Dance.” A little risk and conscious decisions can change our lives.

Conscious decisions?! It means questioning that little negative voice in your head. It means becoming aware of those knee-jerk decisions. It means asking yourself (whenever practical) ‘is this decision truly in your best interest?’

Most of all it means trusting yourself to handle the disappointment and mistakes that inevitably happen to us all without having it define us as a person. Detaching from the result is critical. Learning from the result is just as important.

What if Tommy racing down the driveway on his new bike had the advantage of maturity and self-reflection? When he sat in a bruised heap at the end of the driveway, what if instead of saying to himself, “Man, that was scary, I’m not good enough to handle new stuff like this. I better not ever try anything risky again!” Tommy chuckled to himself and said, “Wow what a ride! Looks like I need some practice and I definitely need to slow down. Maybe Dad can help me try this again.”

With some conscious practice, anyone can identify and change their belief structures. By keeping the beliefs that serve you and changing the unproductive beliefs you hold, you can focus on creating the life you want!

Interested in some coaching to help you identify your mistaken beliefs? We’re here to help.

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Recommended further reading:

A foundational book of the personal growth movement of the 70s & 80s, the principles still hold true today. Written by a friend and mentor, Bill Riedler, this book, although written decades ago, will give an understanding of how we are in charge of our lives and decisions.

Seeing and Being Seen

One of the 10 Keys of a Strong, Loving Relationship

One of the least considered but most fundamental needs we encounter as human beings is the need to be seen - to be acknowledged, to matter, to have others look beyond the superficial public face and connect to the real being inside.

The phrase “seeing others and being seen” doesn’t roll off the tongue easily but it is monumentally important.

What does it mean to “be seen”?

‘Being seen’ describes what happens when we look past the superficial pretense - the game face, the clothes, the make-up, the facade - we all create because we believe it is necessary for us to be accepted.

Image by Gerd Altman Pixabay

Now for clarity, when I say ‘seen’ I am not referring only to sight. That is certainly part of it since sight is a very important sense for us humans. However people without sight can still certainly ‘see’ others. ‘Seen’ refers to knowing the person inside - the soul, the real person.

To be seen describes what happens when we lower our protections and allow others to experience our true self - the vulnerable parts of us, the shameful parts, the frightened parts, the confused parts - the parts that we hide with the facade of an extrovert’s smile and the “I’m OK” attitude.

‘Seeing the other’ is exactly the same concept from the opposite point of view. Sometimes we are so busy hiding our true self that we forget the other person may feel just as vulnerable and may be desperate to have someone see them as well. They also have a shy, shameful, wounded soul hiding the real person hoping to be seen.

Choosing to be invisible

How does a person decide to not to be seen? To try to be invisible?

Experiences will occur (often in childhood) that involve humiliation, helplessness, loss among other emotions that will cause a child to subconsciously choose to emotionally hide in order to protect themselves from future trauma and negative experiences.

So if a child, in order to avoid the feeling of embarrassment or being overpowered lives his/her life by flying under the radar, that child is likely missing out on positive experiences that would boost their confidence and self-image as well as opportunities to contribute to society. A loss for them and for us.

How to Change the Path

So how do people bring themselves back to center after a lifetime of feeling invisible?

The answer is to focus on letting go of the past, unlearn old habits and develop new habits to ask for what you want. I realize, as I write this, that I make it sound as easy as changing socks. While I don’t mean to imply that it is ‘flipping the switch’ easy but for many people the awareness that this may be negatively impacting their daily life is enough to get them inspired to do whatever it takes to learn a new way to exist.

Unlearning the Past

The first step is to try to identify experiences you may have had (especially childhood or adolescent) that may have provided evidence that it would be better if you hid from the world. You might even recall the decision you made. You might remember a whole series of experiences that come to mind. Constant bullying would be an example. Having a nickname like Turtle also might be an example (yep, that one is mine.)

[Note: Again for some this process is quite easy. Others can use some help identifying those experiences, how they affect their lives now and how to move through the process of reclaiming their life. For 40+ years, Swies Life Coach has assisted clients in discovering these decisions, letting go and creating a life of joy. We’d be honored to help you too. swieslifecoach@gmail.com]

Develop New Habits

With some practice, you’ll develop new habits (like asking for what you want), learn to listen to new self-talk (you know, that little voice in your head that likes to tell you ‘you can’t) and stretch your comfort zone to become more visible.

Childhood Decisions

Childhood Decisions are just like the clothes you wore as a child. The clothes and shoes fit you then but are unlikely to fit you now. The same is true of some decisions. But instead of deciding the decisions no longer fit, we sometimes decide that’s who we are and how we are to operate in the world at large. We drag those decisions along with us even though they no longer fit us.

Maybe It’s Time for a Change

Appreciate yourself and your skills and talents. Ask for what you want and set boundaries. And let go of decisions that no longer serve you. Read more about that in our Life Cycle of Decisions blog post

One more thing - while you work on these changes, find a friend or acquaintance who may be on the same path. SEEING someone else is the best way for you to start your journey to BEING SEEN.

If we can be of help on your journey, we’d be honored. Explore a free 30 minute Discovery Appointment at SWIES LIFE COACH or call/text.