What’s Love got to do with It? Everything!
I am going to write today scientifically (or at least behaviorally) about LOVE - one of the 10 keys for a strong, loving relationship. Why the concept is right there in the title “strong, loving relationship”.
LOVE is an emotion we all know either by our experiencing it or our desire of wanting it in our life. Defining it is something I will leave for scholars. Suffice it to say, LOVE is a bit of magic in our life and something we are all willing to go ‘head over heels’ for if we get the chance.
I am focusing on the romantic love relationship that 2 people create and share - sometimes for a lifetime if they are lucky.
Love is the top of the 10 keys
As important as all the 10 keys are, LOVE may top the list. There are arranged relationships/marriages that may or may not involve LOVE and many of those are happy pairs and successful for decades. But in arranged marriages, some of the other keys may be enhanced, I believe, so that the focus is on the partnership and the importance of mutual respect in order for the team to be successful. Most western relationships rely on emotional attraction.
Pixabay Image by MabelAmber
In a romantic relationship, LOVE is the element that can propel you through the bad times, distant periods and disagreements - large and small. It can make it worth the struggle to keep the relationship intact when pride or revenge or giving up may make a split the easier choice to make. LOVE can carry you through the darkest night into the light of healing.
Falling In and Out of Love
If you can ‘fall’ in LOVE, can you fall out of LOVE? I suppose so but I bet there’s more behind it. I doubt you wake up one morning and suddenly say “Hey, I don’t love you anymore.” There have been times, sometimes for weeks in length, when I didn’t like my husband, Skip, very much. But even during those times of emotional distance, I realized that I had issues surfacing that may have had little to do with Skip. “It’s not you, it’s me!” kind of thing that I was simply taking out on Skip.
Or, there might have been issues Skip was experiencing/avoiding “When you do _____, I feel _____” that I was either too afraid or too angry to deal with directly so I let it fester until the situation was out of control.
In those circumstances - talking is the obvious remedy. Just a simple non- accusatory discussion “Hey Skip, I need to talk to you, is now a good time? The other day you did ______ and I felt _____. And I realized I’ve been getting even with you since then. I'm not going to do that because it isn’t fair to you. Would you be willing to ___________? Great that would help a lot. Hey, you wanna go out for dinner?” Yes I realize that may sound like a fantasy depending upon where your relationship is right now but, trust me, you can honestly get there.
Something Became More Important
Often talking is all that is needed to solve many of the problems of a romantic relationship. We find it best to talk during a neutral instead of a heated argument. [Watch for our post about conflict resolution, if you’d like to learn some new skills.] Remember that LOVE is most important and that conflicts are usually the result that something became more important (SBMI) than LOVE. That something could be many things - ego, revenge, need to defeat the other, forcing a confession, desire to intimidate, etc.
[SBMI is actually one of the best kept secrets of life. Watch for a blog post on it very soon.]
Certainly, the state of the relationship itself can change. One or more of the other 10 keys can be broken or there is abuse in the relationship. The partnership has a boundary of its own. If the break is serious and especially if safety is a concern, your decisions have to be for the immediate safety of both partners. Get safe, get some space, find someone to talk to. While the relationship may survive, it may take some help to figure that out.
Keep Closeness as your Goal
I encourage you to get to basics. Listen to your heart not your ego. Keep closeness as your goal. You’re not there to teach the other a lesson or to “win” the argument. Remember you can only monitor yourself not your partner. With practice, you’ll begin to notice when SBMI comes into play. And while you may need a few new skills to smooth out the peaks and potholes of a relationship, John Lennon may have said it best, “LOVE is all you need.”
Want some help learning those new skills to increase closeness? Need a mediator to get you through a rough patch? It’s what we do! Go over to the appointments page to get started. We’d be honored to talk you through the process.
OK, everybody sing…”All you need is love…”
Have a good one y’all.