Is Private Logic Running Your Show?

OR Understanding the Inner Narratives that Shape Your Life

Have you ever wondered why two people can go through similar experiences and come out with completely different beliefs about themselves and the world?

One person grows up with scarcity and decides, “I will never be poor again — I must achieve at all costs.” Another grows up the same way and says, “Money isn’t worth chasing — it only brings conflict.” Same outer world, but very different inner stories.

Alfred Adler, the brilliant mind behind Individual Psychology, had a name for those internal stories we carry: private logic. And he contrasted it with something more grounded and universal: common sense.

Let’s explore what he meant — and how understanding this difference could change your life, your relationships, and even your happiness.

What is Private Logic?

Adler believed that every person develops a unique set of beliefs, assumptions, and conclusions about life — often based on early childhood experiences. This internal framework is what he called private logic.

Private logic isn't necessarily logical at all. It's just our logic. It’s the way we individually interpret our experiences and make sense of our place in the world.

Think of it like this: private logic is your personal operating system. You’ve been programming it since you were a child — sometimes consciously, but mostly without realizing it.

Here are a few examples of private logic:

• “I have to please others to be loved.”

• “If I don’t control everything, everything will fall apart.”

• “I’m not smart enough to succeed, so why try?”

• “Conflict means rejection, so I’ll just keep quiet.”

These beliefs may not be true, but they feel true. That’s the problem.

Enter: Common Sense

In contrast, Adler referred to common sense as ideas that align with reality, cooperation, community, and mutual respect. It’s the kind of thinking that works well in the social world — in families, workplaces, friendships, and broader society.

Where private logic is subjective, emotional, and self-protective, common sense is objective, relational, and socially useful.

Here are some examples of common sense thinking:

• “Everyone makes mistakes — it’s how we learn.”

• “It’s okay to ask for help.”

• “My value isn’t tied to my performance.”

• “A disagreement doesn’t mean the relationship is broken.”

See the difference?

Common sense thinking leads to cooperation, connection, and growth. Private logic, if unchecked, can lead to isolation, rigidity, or emotional pain.

Where Does Private Logic Come From?

Private logic usually takes shape during childhood as we try to make sense of our experiences and find ways to belong, survive, and feel significant.

For example, if a child grows up feeling overlooked, they might form a private logic that says, “I must be the best or I’ll be invisible.” That belief might help them succeed academically or professionally — but it might also leave them feeling exhausted, lonely, or like they’re never enough.

Private logic is a creative solution to an emotional challenge — but it can become outdated as we grow.

Adler often pointed out that much of adult distress comes from continuing to use old private logic in new life situations where it no longer fits.

Why the Conflict Between Private Logic and Common Sense Matters

When our private logic clashes with common sense, we experience distress, misunderstandings, or relationship problems.

Let’s say your private logic says, “If I’m vulnerable, people will hurt me.” But your partner or friend wants deeper emotional connection. That clash creates conflict — not because one of you is wrong, but because your private logic is running the show.

Adler saw healing and growth as the process of bringing private logic into alignment with common sense. That means examining the beliefs you’ve lived by and asking: Are they true? Are they helpful? Are they still serving me?

This is one of the reasons coaching or counseling can be so transformational — it offers a safe place to uncover your private logic and gently challenge the parts that are keeping you stuck.

READ THE ABOVE SECTION AGAIN. IT’S THE MOST IMPORTANT STUFF! IT CAN CHANGE YOUR LIFE!

How to Recognize Private Logic in Your Own Life

Here are a few clues that your private logic might be running the show:

1. You have recurring relationship conflicts that seem familiar, but you’re not sure why they keep happening.

2. You react strongly to certain triggers, even when you know your response is a bit “extra.”

3. You feel stuck, even though you’re working hard.

4. You use harsh self-talk and feel deep shame when you make a mistake.

5. You often feel like you’re on the outside looking in, or that you don’t quite belong.

If any of that resonates, you’re not alone. We all have private logic. It’s not a flaw — it’s human.

The goal isn’t to erase it. The goal is to update it.

So, How Do You Align Private Logic with Common Sense?

1. Notice Patterns
   Pay attention to where you feel frustrated, rejected, or not enough. These are often signs that private logic is whispering in your ear.

2. Ask Curious Questions
   What do I believe in this moment? Where did that belief come from? Is it actually true?

3. Talk It Out
   Sometimes just saying your private logic out loud — especially with a coach — makes it easier to spot how unhelpful it is.

4. Try the “Friend Test”
   Would I say this to someone I love? If not, why do I say it to myself?

5. Experiment with New Behavior
   Try behaving as if a common-sense belief were true. For example, what if you acted as if it’s okay to be imperfect? How might your day feel different?

Real-Life Example: Emily’s Story

Let’s say Emily grew up in a home where love felt conditional — she was praised when she succeeded but ignored when she failed. Her private logic became: “I must achieve to be loved.”

Now, as an adult, she’s a high-achiever who secretly fears that if she stops achieving, she’ll be worthless. This affects her work-life balance, her marriage, and her health.

In coaching, Emily begins to unpack this belief. She sees how it once protected her but now limits her. Over time, she starts replacing “I must earn love” with “I am worthy of love even when I rest.” That shift, from private logic to common sense, transforms her experience of life.

Why This Matters for Relationships, Growth, and Inner Peace

When we live by private logic, we’re often reacting to the past.
When we live by common sense, we’re choosing based on the present.

Adler believed that healthy living means moving from isolated self-focus (private logic) to social interest — a deep concern for contributing, connecting, and caring. It’s how we find meaning.

As coaches, one of the most powerful things we do is help people see the “invisible rules” they’ve been living by — and then rewrite them in ways that are compassionate, courageous, and wise.

Need Help Shifting Your Inner Story? We’re Here.

At Swies Life Coach, we specialize in helping individuals and couples recognize the outdated private logic that’s holding them back — and replace it with compassionate, clear-eyed, common-sense beliefs that promote healing and connection.

We bring decades of experience in transformational coaching, rooted in psychological wisdom and real-life application. Whether you’re facing personal pain, relationship strain, or just feel stuck in your story, we’re here to help.

Let’s talk.
Your private logic doesn’t have to run your life anymore.
Let’s align your inner world with the truth of your value, your potential, and your worth.

Schedule your first session today →

How to Release the Grip of Guilt and Shame

Guilt and Shame: Why We Feel Them and How to Release Their Grip

Let’s talk about something almost all of us carry—guilt and shame.

They’re like invisible weights in a backpack we didn’t realize we were wearing. And we get so used to them, we sometimes mistake them for a part of who we are. But they’re not. Guilt and shame are emotions, not identities. And understanding where they come from—and how to release them—is a powerful step in any personal transformation journey.

So grab a cup of tea (or coffee, or whatever makes you feel grounded), and let’s dive in together.

First, What's the Difference Between Guilt and Shame?

They often show up hand in hand, but they’re not the same.

• Guilt says, “I did something wrong.”

• Shame says, “There’s something wrong with me.”

That’s a huge difference. Guilt focuses on behavior—something that can be corrected or made right. Shame targets your identity, making you feel defective, unworthy, or broken.

Let’s say you forget your friend’s birthday:

• Guilt might make you feel bad and prompt an apology and a thoughtful gesture.

• Shame might whisper, “You’re a terrible friend. You always mess things up.”

“guilt moves you toward repair - shame leaves you stuck”

Why Do We Even Feel These Emotions?

You might be thinking, Why did nature even bother giving us guilt and shame? Great question.

From an evolutionary point of view, these emotions helped us survive in groups. Guilt helped us learn from mistakes and stay accountable to others. Shame was more like social glue—painful enough that we tried to avoid being rejected or cast out from the tribe.

But here's the thing—what was useful back then doesn’t always serve us now, especially when guilt or shame get distorted or chronic. Today, instead of nudging us toward growth, they often just hold us back.

Alfred Adler, an early 20th-century psychiatrist and one of the big names in psychology (he worked alongside Freud and Jung for a while), had some really powerful insights that help us understand guilt and shame in a new light.

Adler believed that our core motivation in life is a striving for significance and belonging. According to him, human behavior is largely driven by a desire to overcome feelings of inferiority and to feel connected to others.

In Adlerian psychology:

• Guilt can arise when we feel we’ve violated our internal values, especially those tied to our role in relationships or communities.

• Shame is rooted in early feelings of inferiority—moments when we concluded we were “less than” and internalized that feeling as part of our identity.

Adler emphasized that mistakes are opportunities for growth and that people are capable of change, always. His student, Rudolf Dreikurs, carried this forward by saying, “We cannot protect children from experiencing mistakes. Our task is to teach them how to learn from their mistakes.”

This is key: guilt and shame don’t have to be prisons. They can be teachers—if we know how to listen and then release.

Where Guilt and Shame Come From

Let’s look at where these emotions often get their roots:

1. Childhood Messages

Many of us learned early on that love was conditional. Maybe we were told we were “bad” for expressing big emotions. Maybe we were shamed for not performing well, or guilted for not meeting adult expectations. Over time, we internalized these experiences into core beliefs like:

• “I’m not enough.”

• “I’m too much.”

• “It’s my fault.”

And guess what? Shame thrives in silence. If you weren’t allowed to express or process these experiences, they can sit quietly in the background for years—until something triggers them.

2. Cultural or Religious Conditioning

In some cultures or belief systems, guilt and shame are used as tools to control behavior. “Don’t bring shame to the family,” or “God is watching you,” can create an atmosphere where guilt isn’t a guide—it’s a punishment.

3. Perfectionism

If you have high standards for yourself (or others have for you), you’re more likely to carry guilt and shame when you inevitably fall short. That little voice says, “You should know better,” or “You’re never going to get it right.” Ouch.

How Guilt and Shame Show Up in Your Life

These emotions can wear a lot of disguises. You might not even recognize them at first glance.

• Procrastination (fear of not doing it “right”)

• Overachieving (trying to earn worth)

• Avoiding intimacy (fear of being “seen”)

• Harsh inner critic (self-punishment)

• People-pleasing (fear of rejection)

They can even cause physical symptoms like fatigue, tension, or chronic pain. The body remembers what the mind tries to bury.

So, How Do We Release Guilt and Shame?

This is the golden question. And there’s good news: it is possible.

Here are some steps that can help:

1. Name It to Tame It

Awareness is the first step. Ask yourself:

• Am I feeling guilt (about something I did)?

• Or shame (about who I think I am)?

Get curious. When did this feeling first show up in your life? What story are you telling yourself?

2. Practice Self-Compassion

Dr. Kristin Neff’s work on self-compassion is a game-changer here. Instead of harsh self-talk, try this:

• Mindfulness: Acknowledge your pain without over-identifying with it.

• Common humanity: Remind yourself that all humans make mistakes.

• Kindness: Talk to yourself like you would to a friend.

Use encouragement over punishment. People flourish when they feel seen, capable, and loved—not shamed into submission.

3. Make Amends if Needed

If your guilt is about something you actually did, and you can make it right—do it. Apologize. Repair. Learn.

Guilt can be a gift when it invites us into accountability. Once the repair is made, though, let it go. You don’t have to punish yourself forever. That’s shame sneaking in again.

4. Challenge the Narrative

Whose voice is in your head when you feel shame? A parent? A teacher? An old partner?

Ask yourself:

• Is this belief actually true?

• Is it helpful?

• Is it mine?

You get to rewrite your story. Shame may have shaped your past, but it doesn’t get to define your future.

5. Seek Safe Connection

Shame is a disconnecting emotion. It tells you to hide. But healing happens in connection.

Whether it’s a therapist, coach, or trusted friend—talk to someone. Let yourself be seen. As Brené Brown says, “Shame cannot survive being spoken. It cannot survive empathy.”

6. Live with Integrity

Living in alignment with your values is one of the most powerful ways to reduce guilt and shame over time.

When your actions m-atch your heart, there’s less space for regret. And if you stumble, remember: Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone can grow.

Living Without Guilt and Shame Doesn’t Mean Living Without Accountability

Let’s be clear: releasing guilt and shame doesn’t mean you become careless, selfish, or irresponsible. Quite the opposite.

It means you hold yourself with truth and compassion. You take ownership when necessary, but you don’t marinate in self-loathing. You make things right, and then you keep moving forward.

This is what transformational coaching is all about—not just changing behaviors, but changing the inner lens through which you see yourself.

Final Thoughts: You Are Not Broken

Here’s what I want you to know, deep in your bones:

You are not broken.
You are not beyond repair.
You are not the worst thing you’ve ever done.
You are not the cruel words someone once spoke over you.

You are human. Beautifully, vulnerably, imperfectly human.

And you are worthy of love and belonging as you are—guilt, shame, and all.

Let this be the beginning of a lighter journey.

Want to keep going? If guilt and shame have been constant companions in your life, you're not alone—and you don't have to stay stuck. A transformational coach such as the coaches at Swies Life Coach can help you explore, release, and rebuild. Reach out when you're ready, better yet, reach out NOW! 512-589-3422

You don’t have to carry this forever.

Should You Hire a Transformational Life Coach?

Let’s face it—life can be messy. It can be full of dreams and disappointments, goals and roadblocks, self-doubt and hope, sometimes all in the same day. If you’ve ever looked in the mirror and thought, “There’s got to be more than this,” you’re not alone. And that might be the exact moment when hiring a transformational life coach could change everything.

Now before you roll your eyes and imagine someone in yoga pants yelling affirmations at you, let’s clear something up. A transformational life coach is not your guru, not your therapist, not your cheerleader, and definitely not your boss. They’re more like your personal clarity partner—a mix of accountability, insight, and support—all focused on helping you step into the version of yourself you’ve been longing to meet.

What Is a Transformational Life Coach, Anyway?

A transformational life coach helps people make deep, meaningful changes in their lives. They don’t just help you organize your closet or wake up earlier (though they can help with that too). They help you explore your beliefs, patterns, and inner stories—those invisible scripts shaping your choices.

Think of your life as a garden. A transformational coach doesn’t just pull weeds or plant flowers. They help you understand the soil—what’s under the surface that needs attention, nourishment, or healing.

Why Do People Hire Transformational Coaches?

Most people hire transformational coaches when they hit a point where the old ways just aren’t working anymore. Some common reasons include:

• Feeling stuck in life or unsure how to move forward

• Going through a major transition (divorce, job change, etc.)

• Wanting to reconnect with a sense of purpose

• Struggling with self-doubt or limiting beliefs

• Wanting to heal old emotional wounds

• Feeling overwhelmed or unfulfilled, even if life looks “fine” on the outside

It’s not just about fixing problems. It’s about creating aligned, meaningful change.

What Happens in a Coaching Session?

Each coach is different, but here’s a general idea of what you might experience:

1. Safe, Judgment-Free Space
   A space where you can be real, honest, and heard—maybe for the first time in a long time.

2. Clarity & Discovery
   Unpacking what you truly want, and what’s been standing in the way.

3. Tools & Practices
   Your coach might guide you through journaling prompts, visualizations, or mindset shifts.

4. Accountability & Action
   Transformation requires more than insight. Your coach helps you follow through with meaningful steps.

Common Myths About Coaching

“Only people with problems need a coach.”
Actually, many clients are already successful—but want to grow further, align more deeply, or break through limitations.

“Coaches just tell you what to do.”
Nope. A good coach won’t give you all the answers—they help you find them.

“I should be able to figure this out on my own.”
We all have blind spots. Hiring a coach is a sign of strength and commitment to growth.

Is It Worth the Investment?

Let’s be honest—coaching is an investment. But when you invest in yourself, the return can be life-changing. You’ll gain clarity, confidence, and connection with your true self.

Ask yourself:

• Am I ready to take responsibility for my growth?

• Am I open to being challenged and supported?

• Do I feel a calling toward something deeper or more meaningful?

If the answer is “yes,” it might be time.

How to Find the Right Coach for You

• Check their background: Do they have certifications, training, or a specialty area?

• Schedule a discovery call: Many offer free calls to explore compatibility.

• Trust your gut: Coaching is a personal process. Go with someone who feels right to you.

What Clients Often Say After Coaching

“I finally feel like I’m living my own life, not someone else’s.”

“I stopped playing small and went for what I really wanted.”

“I’ve never had someone listen to me like that before.”

“It feels like I’ve come home to myself.”

Does your life make you Jump For Joy?

Final Thoughts

So… should you hire a transformational life coach?

Only you can know that for sure. But if you feel a tug, an ache, or a whisper saying “It’s time”—listen.

You deserve to grow. You deserve to heal. You deserve to thrive.

If you’re curious, ask for a free, discovery phone call . There’s no pressure—just a safe space to talk and explore.

And if someone you love has been feeling stuck or searching for something more, please share this post with them. You never know what kind of transformation might begin with just one conversation.

Ready to create your new future?

Questions? Call or text us at 512-589-3422.

How A Good Dad Changes A Daughter’s Life

Sometimes staying dry isn’t the most important thing

The Difference a Dad makes

There’s something deeply reassuring about the presence of a kind, attentive father in a daughter’s life. A dad who shows up - emotionally and physically - offers a special kind of safety that can’t be easily replaced. In contrast, a daughter who grows up with a neglectful, abusive or absent father often carries an invisible weight, even long into adulthood. An absent father includes instances when a father leaves the family by choice or because of divorce or dies.

Let me be clear, I am not blaming or simplifying the many complex reasons why fathers may fall short. I am writing to honor what happens when a daughter is well-fathered and gently exploring what can unfold when she isn’t.

At Swies Life Coach, our clients who are also fathers, appear all along the “Dad” spectrum from saint to non-present. Many, however, wish their relationships with their daughters were stronger, deeper. Most have no clue how to make that happen. That’s where we come in.

What Exactly Does Well-fathered Mean?

It’s about having a father who is consistently present, respectful, emotionally attuned and protective without being controlling. A well-fathered daughter grows up believing she matters - because someone important consistently treated her like she did.

Alfred Adler, the renowned Austrian psychiatrist, emphasized that all people seek to belong and feel significant. He believed that children thrive when they feel connected and valued within their families. When a father shows his daughter that she is valued, respected and capable, she internalizes that message.

As Rudolf Dreikurs, Adler’s student and a pioneer in parenting and discipline, put it: “A child needs encouragement like a plant needs water.”

And it has an impact on all parts of daughter’s psyche. Let’s consider a few.

Self-Worth and Identity

From a young age, a daughter looks into her father’s eyes and learns who she is. When those eyes are warm, curious and proud, she begins to understand that she is worthy. When she struggles with insecurities, as we all do from time to time, she can rely on a foundation of worthiness while she recenters her compass and looks forward.

However, a daughter with a distant, cruel or missing father often spends years trying to answer a core question “Am I enough?” She may seek affirmation in achievements or perfectionism looking for that single event or person that can validate her existence.

Adler noted that feelings of inferiority are part of the human condition. The key is how those feelings are managed. Does the child (and then the adult) use such occasions to serve as motivation to grow and keep trying or are they evidence of a persistent, painful sense of inadequacy?

Relationships with Men

Having experienced a respectful and safe male presence, a well-fathered daughter has a template for what love can look like. She may be more likely to recognize red flags and instead choose partners who treat her with dignity. She may still face heartaches - as we all do - but she’ll be better equipped to leave unhealthy relationships to seek nurturing ones. She is likely to also realize that the breakup is not because she is inherently flawed, unlovable or unworthy.

For a neglected and/or abused daughter, love and pain are often entwined. She may feel she has to “earn” the love she gets or she simply isn’t worthy to be in a loving relationship. These daughters may find themselves choosing neglectful or abusive partners and even sabotaging a relationship if the partner exhibits healthy relationship habits.

Confidence and Ambition

When a supportive father encourages his daughters ideas, praises her effort, listens to her opinions - a daughter learns that her voice matters. She’s more likely to participate fully in her world. Adler said “encouragement fosters the courage to face life’s problems.” Without that encouragement, she may doubt her abilities or not try at all. A critical father can crush a daughter’s willingness to expand her horizons.

Emotional Resilience

Emotional safety is important for everyone. A supportive father doesn’t shame tears or demand “walk it off” toughness. Modeling how to handle feelings in a healthy, grounded way will show his daughter that feelings and processing through the strong emotions is the best way to handle hard times.

Without emotional regulation, a neglected or abandoned daughter may choose to bottle up or suppress her emotions and either learn to numb herself completely or explode without warning.

So What do we do NOW?

Whether you are the daughter of a supportive father who was consistently by your side, lending an ear, cheering you on or still trying to heal the wounds of an absent or cruel father, your destiny is not carved in stone.

Healing is possible with counseling, intentional self-reflection and practicing new helpful skills a wounded daughter can learn to live fully in spite of her trauma.

Fathers can grow and begin to repair relationships and be supportive in positive ways. Even the most strained relationship can transform.

Other father figures matter and powerful, positive support can come from coaches, mentors, uncles, etc.

Daughters can re-parent themselves with new skills and often the help of a coach, a woman can nurture the neglected parts of herself and become the encouraging voice she never heard.

Adler reminds us that we are not victims of fate - we are not doomed to go through life poorly fathered. Although we are shaped by our experiences - we are also the shapers of our lives and the writers of new endings to old stories.

Men: ready to change your life circumstances? SWIES LIFE COACH can help you improve your fathering skills.

Daughters: write a new ending to your life story by healing past traumas and setting a new course for yourself. SWIES LIFE COACH can counsel you along your journey.